The gist of this person's blog post is that after her child's co-op preschool instituted a policy that did not require children to share, she decided she liked it. Her feeling is that children shouldn't have to give up something they are playing with if they don't want to, even if the child wants it all day long. For example, if a child is playing with a toy and has to use the restroom, an adult would "save" the toy for him even if there are other children who want to play with it, too. While sharing isn't forbidden, it also isn't encouraged.
Commenters who agreed with her felt that being "forced" to share creates a sense of entitlement in the child who is asking to have a turn with the toy. This entitlement, they assert, carries over into adulthood with people looking for a handout or believing they deserve a raise just because they show up for work. They also felt it creates bullies when a child can ask to play with something and the child playing with it is "forced" to share it with him. By allowing a child to not share, they felt he was learning to be independent, to stick up for himself. They also felt the no sharing rule applied equally to personal and communal items.
Those who disagreed felt that sharing teaches the concept of taking turns, promotes compassion and kindness to others and helps children learn to live in the real world. All of those who disagreed also said that a child should not have to share absolutely everything. For example, he shouldn't have to share his toothbrush or his teddy bear or blankie or even a special toy that belongs to him. But communal things (the swing at the park, a toy at preschool) should always be shared by taking turns.
I must admit that this blog post caused me to stop and ponder for quite some time this idea of not teaching children to share. And not because I think it might be a good idea. I don't. In fact, I think it is a huge mistake.
The Golden Rule ("Do unto others as you would like them to do onto you" or similar variation), a principle found in every major religion and quite a few not so major ones, is regarded in the secular world as the most general principle of ethics. Most people, regardless of religious affiliation or lack of, would agree this is a "good" principle by which to live.
It's inconsistent to say "We don't bite people. You wouldn't like it if Billy bit you, would you?"- applying the "Golden Rule" - but then say, in essence, "You don't have to share the swing if you don't want to (or feel like it)." I'd be willing to bet that Sally really felt like biting Billy so why is that feeling or desire inappropriate but refusing to share (because I don't feel like it) is not? One is a physical hurt, the other is an emotional hurt. Basing what is right or wrong (morality) on feelings is a very slippery slope.
Teaching children to share willingly and cheerfully with others is a gift we give them. And it doesn't stop with toys. Sharing their time, sharing a smile, sharing a talent or sharing a cookie are just as important. It teaches empathy and being kind and generous to others. The more we share with others, the less self-centered we become. And the child benefits from sharing by experiencing joy in sharing something with a friend.
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself." ~ Leviticus 19:18
"Whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them." ~ Matthew 7:12
You know I can see both sides. I think it is a good idea to teach a child, in a positive way, that taking turns and sharing is good - the operative word here being teach. However, being forced to give up something that a child is actively playing with, when the child is too young to understand or is obviously not willing, just teaches them that others don't respect their feelings.
ReplyDeleteI recently took my grandniece to the Phoenix Children's Museum. There is a table with magnetic blocks. One child was playing with the pieces, building a very elaborate structure, when several other children, who were also playing with the blocks, started grabbing pieces from the 1st child's pile. The mother of the 1st child told him he needed to share which he, obediently, did meaning that he had to stop building his masterpiece. I doubt that this experience taught any of those kids anything about the benefits of sharing. The grabbers learned that it is ok to take whatever they want from someone else and the grabbee learned that he HAD to do something he didn't want to do because his mother said he should. If the mother isn't around the next time, would this child still willingly given up his toy - even though he had been "taught" that he should?
Adults don't generally share their things. If a stranger approached me and asked to borrow my car for a few hours, even though I was taught to share as a kid, I doubt I would just hand over the keys.
I disagree. Allowing children to take possession of a communal item (toy) for as long as they want to play with it when other children would like to play with, too, teaches children that he who has the most desired item is more powerful. I don't think they need to give it up as soon as some one asks, but a time limit is certainly appropriate - "Billy, other children want to play with the blocks, too. You can play for 5 more minutes and then it's time to share." In your example at the Children's Museum, you didn't say how many blocks the first child had. I think if he had more than 50% of them, he should share sooner than later. Otherwise I'd impose a time limit and then move on. The grabbers were clearly out of line. I believe grabbing is what happens when kids are NOT taught to share.
DeleteEveryone agrees that personal items are different. There are certain things, including toys, we don't share with friends. And no one "has to" share personal things with a stranger. If your child brings a truck (personal item) to the playground to play with, he shouldn't have to share it if he doesn't want to. But tying up the only swing (communal toy) for half an hour or more while other kids are waiting to swing is, in my opinion, wrong.
As an adult, I share many things willingly and often with my friends and those I know. I also share communal things with strangers - a table at the Costco food court, a seat on the light rail, a public drinking fountain. Two friends and I shared some bakery items with strangers at Starbucks. Would I give a stranger the keys to my car? Of course not. But I wouldn't make my child give a stranger their blankie, either. It's not an all or nothing concept.